We have been at the party for about 3hours now and I am finding it quite easy to communicate with Tanya; she is so open and easy to talk with, as if eager to be appreciated... eager to be accepted. In these 3 hours I have come to know absolutely everything about her, which there is to know. And the more I know of her, the more I am sensing how so fragile she is and how she is so vulnerable to being hurt in love. I am asking myself if getting involved with her is a good idea after all seeing that I have my own emotional issues to deal with.
Tanya has asked me twice if I have anything going on with Adelaide after she saw us smile at each other as we both danced with our partners. I have told her that Adelaide and I both arrived the USSR on the same day and that we have since remained casual friends. But Tanya doesn't seem satisfied with my answer and has been asking me if I think that she is as beautiful as Adelaide. And she no longer wants to let me out of her sight.
Tanya has just told me that she is in love with me and I am feeling flattered by her attachment to me, but beyond sympathy, I cannot feel anything else for her-not just yet. She is holding my hand right now and has just squeezed it-I am squeezing it back and I am now smiling at her; she is, without doubt, a very attractive woman…a very attractive traumatized woman. And I sense a veil of sorrow in her eyes, which is making me to wonder if I am the man who will be able to help her find the self-esteem and the feeling of security that she so desperately needs.
Tanya needs to go home now as she is not used to being out beyond 10pm; her babushka becomes increasingly anxious for her safety once it starts to get dark and will be standing at the window of the house and waiting for her to come home. She sometimes walks down to the nearby tramway stop, which is located several metres away from their house and will stand in the cold waiting for "maya Tanushka";that’s the affectionate way that she calls Tanya-my Tanushka.
Babushka has always been very protective of her ever since she started coming home from school so many years ago crying because the other children would call her bad names and would sometimes physically abuse her because of her slightly different skin colour. But as she’s grown older Tanya has gotten used to all those unpleasant taunts and has resigned herself to the fact that she is different and that there’ nothing she can do about it. But she knows that one day, when she has met the right man, things are going to be okay. She tells me that she thinks that i am the right man for her…
“Pa’ idyom?” Tanya is asking, wanting to know if we can start leaving. I have told her that I will like to travel with her up to that tramway stop next to her house to make sure that she gets home safe, but she feels it will be a lot safer for her if I walk her only up to the bus stop on Engels street. She says that if some of her neighbours were to see us together they will “…start gossiping again“.
“I understand” I say.
We have gotten up from our seats and are making our way to the exit. I have noticed Adelaide dancing to a slow track with Pedro, with her head placed on his right shoulder and I am wondering whether it is love that holds them together or if they are just two hurting individuals assuaging each others pains.
I have caught Ugo’s eyes as he dances with Sveta in one corner of the hall. He is winking at me and I smile back wondering how comes I am not able to take life as easy as he is doing. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by things around him; he just gets on with his life and he seems so happy and confident about his future-or is he just good at pretending ?
What a coincidence! I am thinking as we leave the hall; the track that is playing seems to be about a great pretender. I am hearing this song for the first time and I am really enjoying it. I have slowed down my pace so that I can listen to it a little longer but I can't quite make out all the words it's singing. I should try and get a copy of the song from the DJ tomorrow since he lives in our hostel.
"...I seem to be what I'm not you see,
I'm wearing my heart like a crown..."
The door of the ballroom has quietly closed behind us and shut out the rest of the song. We are now walking towards the stairs. Tanya is holding on to my hand and it feels as if she is afraid to let go.
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