The last days of Spring/4

Tanya has never known a man in her life and she says that she is giving me her virginity because I am the man of her dreams. So I have decided to treat her right-I will treat her like the woman she deserves to be.

I have prepared a lovely dish from a recipe one of my friends who comes Lesotho has given me. He says it’s a South African recipe and he gave me the herbs, which he bought in South Africa during the winter holidays; he says that the herbs “bring out the flavour in food”…and that they are especially good for “meat-based sauces.”

He is right the food has come out very nice and I have had to open the windows so that aroma, which was so thick in the room, could dissipate a bit and I have sprayed the room several times with an air freshener, which I recently bought from the grocery store and which supposed to spread the smell of spring.

I have placed the bouquet of roses on the table and the card on which I have written the little poem is leaning on to the side of bottle of sweat champagne. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a bucket of ice anywhere, but the whole atmosphere has come out as romantic as is possible.

Tanya should be here any minute from now. I have slotted in a cassette, which I borrowed from one of my friends and which has a collection of popular love songs; I want to set it at one of the tracks that I think is most appropriate for today. I am fast forwarding the tape and then I find what I am looking for-I will start to play it once she comes in.

I check my self in the mirror and I am satisfied with what I see; Ugo gave me a sharp haircut earlier on today and I am actually beginning to look handsome-that gaunt look that I had at the time when I left Nigeria is now gone; my cheeks look a lot fuller.

There’s the knock on the door.

I open the door and she is standing there…smiling and Al is not with her. Tanya is really a beautiful woman and I must learn to love her…I am thinking as i look at her.

“Your beauty takes my breath away…” I am saying and I kiss her lightly on the lips. She smiles and then lowers her eyes.
She is so shy…

“Thank you…” she says as I offer her my hand and lead her into the room.
“Mmm…I like the smell of the food you cooked…”
“I had thought that the smell would have all disappeared by the time you come… I have had to open the windows and spray an air freshener about three times already…”
“But I like it…what is it that you cooked?”
“It’s chicken…I prepared it with some South African herbs and I have cooked some fried rice…there’s ice cream for desert as well…”
“Mmm…I love ice cream…what flavour?”
“Vanilla…that’s the only thing I could find”
“It’s okay”

“I am sure that the food will taste even better than it smells” I say as I show her to the chair and then go to the tape recorder to press the play button. The track I want has started to play; tonight I celebrate my love for you, it seems the natural thing to do…
“Are you ready to eat?”
“Yes…what this card on the table?”
“Its for you…you can have a look”She picks up the card and opens it to read while I try to dish out the food. As I am busy dishing it out I hear a sniffling sound behind me so I turn around to see her trying to hold back tears…she is not succeeding because I can see two teardrops trailing down her cheeks.

“Are they really for me?”
“Yes”
“Thank you…it‘s so beautiful”We have eaten the food and eaten the ice cream. We are now sipping the sweat champagne and listening to the love songs that are playing in the background.
“Let’s dance…” she says and we get up to dance. It is just the two of us here…alone.

And the evening is going so well; I am really enjoying Tanya’s presence and I am so very conscious of where this evening is heading to. I am not going to fight with my desires any more-she wants me and I want her; it is as simple as that.

She is now raising her face for a kiss and we start to kiss passionately. She is pressing her body on mine and I notice that her breathing is become more and more laboured.
The time has come…

And I begin to her slowly; I don‘t want to break the rhythm of the music playing, which is becoming a soundtrack to our unfolding love affair. She has decided to come to my aid and is in a hurry to free herself of her clothes.

She has such a beautiful body…
I have also started to undress myself as she stands naked in front of me, tugging at my shirt…wanting me. But something is not quite right-something is holding me back and I find myself now struggling with an embarrassing limpness, as a certain nagging feeling surfaces and begins to now hang over me, dampening my passion and it suddenly feels as if I am being watched…as if something is speaking to me-telling me-that it is not right; what I am doing is not right.


I cannot break this young girl’s heart…
I know that I am not free to do this to her; I know that I will still run to Adelaide if she were to as much as smile at me…
“What is wrong?” Tanya is asking.
“I am not yet ready, Tanya…I don’t want to hurt you”
“But…”
“It doesn’t feel right…not yet”
“But you said that you love me…don’t you love me?”
The words that I want to say have stuck in my throat; I can not continue to lead this innocent girl on; I might be a lost soul, but I am not yet beyond redemption.
“Kasi….”

She is crying…
And I don’t know what to say to her. What can I say that will make her understand that it is not right.
“Do you love me…Kasi?”
“I…”“You don’t have to say anything…” she says and starts to put on her clothes slowly, reluctantly…like one who is being drained of life.
“It’s not as you think Tanya, I …”
“You can’t even tell me that you love me anymore”
“Tanya I don’t want to hurt you…you have already been hurt so much in your life”

“But…you are hurting me Kasi…you…”
“Please, Tanya…I don’t want to hurt you…I..”
“But you once said that you love me…”
“Just give me the chance to resolve my feelings for you, Tanya…what you want to give me is a very significant part of your life and I…”
“But I have told you that I love you with all my heart….I want to love you with my body as well…”

She has finished putting on her clothes now and has moved towards the door. The tears are still falling from her eyes.
“Kasi, do you love me…please tell me that you love me?”
The look in her eyes was too heartbreaking for me. It was a look of someone who feels rejected; she looked at me and it was as if she was pleading for something but I do not have what she wants.
I cannot give her what she wants...

She had then looked a way with a rivulet of tears now streaming down her face as she opened the door and walked away.

I could not run after her because I was still naked…