The last days of Spring/6

As we left the faculty building and walked on to Varashilovsky Street I found my self thinking briefly of Tanya; it is sympathy that I feel for her, I am sure of that…

It is already late afternoon as Adelaide and I stroll side by side into Pushkinskaya Boulevard. It’s very breezy here because of the trees and the cool summer breeze is now blowing on my face and caressing it gently; it’s so refreshing-the breeze-so invigorating.

Around us the birds are singing loudly to each other and you can see a few people walking their dogs. Some are just strolling hand along the tree-lined boulevard holding hands, while others-the more elderly ones-are seated on the several benches that can be found at regular intervals and watching the late afternoon pass slowly by.

I am feeling a bit uncomfortable because since we left the faculty building several minutes ago we have hardly said anything to each other; we are strolling on like two perfect strangers who are both lost in their own thoughts and who do not want to say what they are thinking; the spontaneity-the one that I always feel whenever I have been with Tanya in these last few months-is missing.

It feels different with Adelaide as if the reality and the fantasy are of two entirely different people. And I am finding it very difficult to be myself in this reality as I struggle to find the words, which would break the ice. Suddenly, a sense of not being man enough to bring out the woman in her hangs over me like a suffocating cloud. And I am wondering whether it is the lingering shadow of that shame, which had thwarted our budding relationship on that very cold night so many months ago that now covers me with such impotence…

What if underneath that lovely smile of hers she still resents me…?

“What are you thinking about?” she asked suddenly interrupting my thoughts.
“You…”
“What about me…?”
“I was wondering if…er…I was wondering if you still resent me….“
“Resent you for what?” She sounded a bit surprised and looked at me with slightly raised eyebrows.
“Because of…er…you know…the party”
“What happened?”

“Have you forgotten that day when we danced and I er…”
“I know but what actually happened?”
“It wasn’t supposed to…I…er…I was feeling…em…“
“You used me….that’s how I felt and that’s why I walked away”
“But I er…that was not my intention…I think it was the...er…you know...I have desired you from the very first day and…honestly I didn’t want it to happen that way”
“How was it supposed to happen?”

“I mean…only a fool would purposely ruin things with somebody….er…what I’m trying to say is that from the first time I set eyes on you at that Beryozka in Moscow, I…”
“Which beryozka in Moscow?”
“The one at that student’s hotel…that was where I first saw you sitting with Pedro and some friends. I had just come in with Ugo and I saw you there…on that first night”
“I don’t remember…”
“I do…I have never stopped thinking of you since…I er…I think it was the excitement of finally being close to you that evening…please forgive me ”

We were approaching the bust of Pushkin and two teenagers stood next to it. It looked like the young man was reciting a poem to his partner and as I saw them the image of Tanya flashed briefly across my mind. I remembered the day when I had stood at the same spot with her wishing that it was Adelaide that had been there with me….

“After I thought about it, I guessed it was not intentional. So It’s okay…”
“There’s the bust of Pushkin…when I came across his poem I knew that it was just right that I send it to you…those words about the wondrous moment when he beheld a glimpse of perfect womanhood…those words feel just right when I think of you…“.

As we walked past Pushkin’s bust she glanced at it momentarily and a slight frown creased her forehead. “I am not really into poems, but I like the one that you gave to me on that day…I told you so at the party”
“Yes…I still feel the same way…“She didn’t say anything.

We have come to the end of boulevard and have just come out onto Pushkin’s street; I notice that a police car is parked outside of our hostel, while just in front of it is parked an ambulance.
It looks like they’re trying to carry somebody out on a stretcher and the crowd of students standing at the door are making way for the stretcher.
“I wonder what’s happened now!” she said.

I hope it’s not Barry again…I am thinking as we walk up to the entrance of the hostel. And at that moment i notice that one of the people standing in the crowd and who has just turned towards us is Tanya…