Book 4. Chapter 8; The last days of Spring/1

I have told Tanya that I love her and I am now thinking it was a big mistake for me to have said those words.

It was the day after the Ghanaian Independence party and she had come by as she said she would. She was dressed in a pink sweater and stone-washed jeans and she was accompanied by her little puppy; a brown and white Spaniel, which her grandmother had given to her as a birthday present last year after she turned 17. Tanya calls the dog "Al" because she likes that name and it follows her about everywhere she goes.

I am not really a pet person and I did not feel in the least comfortable about having the dog in the same room with me.

In my village back home, dogs rarely come into the house; they sleep outside where they're supposed to and are mostly used for hunting. In some cases, they also do the dirty stuff, like lick the excrement from the buttocks of the toddlers in the yard after they've done their toileting.

And they can also bite you with very little provaction, especially when they smell that you're afraid of them. So i don't like dogs coming close to me and wonder how some people can actually kiss them.

Al had started to bark at that moment.

“Can't you keep your dog outside or something. What if it wants to wee or do something even more evil…? I asked looking for a way to engage her reason.
“It’s already gone to toilet before we came up. So don’t worry; I’ll know anyway…”

The little thing seemed to sense that I didn’t quite fancy it and had started to growl at me and at one point it looked like it wanted to lunge at me as well.
“Al doesn't seem to like you very much!"Tanya said.
"The feeling's mutual"
"He won't bite you. Sit Al!” Tanya said and it obeyed, finding a spot next to her feet to settle down, but it continued to look at me with its big black eyes and didn't look in the least friendly as if he was sensing that he would soon have to share Tanya with me.

“I brought you some food that babushka says that I can give to you”. She brought out some jars.

“What are they?” I was a bit curious seeing that I was beginning to develop the taste buds for a lot of Russian Cuisine and was actually quite interested in trying out some more.

I remember, for instance, that the first time when I tasted the thick sour cream, which Russians call smetana, I had almost thrown up, but now smetana has become one of my favourite delicacies, which i buy everytime i go to the canteen; okay, I still add some sugar to it most of the time but even on those days when the sugar has run out in the canteen I am still able to drink it without the least hesitation. It usually feels so refreshing and filling...

One thing, which I have not been able to get used to, though, is the red caviar, the krasnaya ykra. And I can’t understand why a lot of people are making a fuss about it; I understand that the black one even fetches a lot of money in the West and that some students have been smuggling them out during the holidays…

“They’re pickled cucumbers and salad" I heard Tanya saying "...my babushka’s is very good at making this kind of stuff…”
“Thanks. I really appreciate this...”
“But I’ve told you that I love you and I will do anything for you!”

And as she said those words again, I guessed it was only right for me to tell her the same. And I did;
“Ya todje loublou tebia”I said.
“Eta Pravda?”…she asked, wanting to know if what i had just said is true.
I hesitated a bit, wondering what i had just gotten myself into. “Er…of course.”

And then she started to cry, leaving me feeling really embarrassed. “Why are you crying?”
“Because nobody has ever told me that they love me…”
“But your babushka must love you quite a lot. You told me how she cares for you…”
“Da but…” She then went on to tell me that she senses that her babushka does the things for her more out of sympathy than of love. And that she has never said in words that she loves her.

“It’s not the same when the person doesn’t say they love you…"
“Yes, but action does speak a lot louder than words-words sometimes do not mean anything and are just empty…”I said trying not to let the guilt, which i started to feel to become so evident. And I started to regret ever having said those words.

“Please don’t ever leave me…” she had said. And had looked pleadingly at me as if she sensed what was going on in my mind.