I want to love Tanya; I want to be able to feel free with her and not be held back by this nagging feeling of my leading her along a path, which leads to nowhere...
And after we kissed by that fountain at the bottom avenue of Gorky Park I have started to see her not just a lovely girl with a sad narrative trailing her but as a beautiful woman. She has aroused in me a sexual fantasy that throbs in me when I start thinking of her-a sexual fantasy that is shed of the guilt that had clouded my thoughts of Adelaide after we crossed that barrier of innocence so many months ago.
I begin to feel that it is Tanya who is bringing out the man in me. It is she with whom I have learnt to be myself and the spontaneity that accompanies our engagements fills me with an increasing level of confidence and yet…yet in wanting her I am realising that I am not quite free to have her; It is as if I am bonded to Adelaide by some invisible-yet enduring chain-that forbids me to love someone else…
I will be meeting with Tanya today and we will be alone since Ade has gone somewhere in the Northern part of Rostov and he will not be back until later this evening. He has been meeting with a group of Russian Orthodox Christians who meet regularly to share the gospel and to pray in one of their members homes since there are no churches in Rostov-Religion has been banned by the state-so those who meet, usually meet secretly.
This is going to be the first time when I will have my room to my self since that kiss that happened last week, which seems to have changed the texture of the relationship between Tanya and myself; it feels as if we are no longer innocent and I can no longer stop my self from giving in to her sensual desire…
She will be here soon and I have bought her a bouquet of roses and I have translated some lovely words-I don’t know where I first saw them-into Russian;
Under the burning sun of Africa’s harmattan,
I have learnt about heat;
In the white nights of Russians winter,
I learn about cold;
But in the warm embrace of your passionate kiss,
I am learning about love…
I feel that I should begin to treat her like a woman-I should begin to act like someone in love and perhaps…perhaps, love will follow my actions and will blossom in my heart, breaking the chains that bind me…I want to love her and today-after we have sipped the champagne that I have bought and eaten the chocolates, which they say acts as an aphrodisiac-I will make love to her and perhaps then the chain will be broken…
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