I have arrived at the hospital. But I have been refused to go in because it is well past their visiting hours so I am now walking towards the bus stop where I will pick a bus headed towards Engel’s street. I have gotten to the bus stop and while I stand watching the cars speed past, I am reflecting on the whole mess of love, which is unfolding around me.
I am angry with Tanya. I am angry with her for trying to kill herself over me; how does she think that dying will solve her problems? Or does she think that by trying to kill herself that I will now love her? Does she not know that instead of sympathy I will begin to feel resentment towards her? I cannot be blackmailed into loving her, how can she be so foolish as to think otherwise?
Yet in my anger I still feel a bit of sympathy and a bit of fear and I wonder how comes love can become so self-destructive? And as I reflect on what she has done and I try to understand her motives, I am beginning to see that I am not that different from her; I begin to see that it is the same thing that I feel for Adelaide, which is now making Tanya to think that I am indispensable to her and I begin to understand that I really do not have that right to feel anger towards her.
I do not also have that right to judge her because in judging her I am really judging myself; when she says that she cannot live without me, she is echoing the same way that I feel about Adelaide. And I am beginning to see that her attempt to kill herself is just the same thing as my own self-destructive journey into drinking and whoring.
We are essentially the same. Tanya and I are just the same; she is the bolder one, who is willing to be rid of her anguish at once-to violently be separated from the thing that distresses her, while I-the coward-choose the protracted route of self-indulgence, clinging on to the thing, which I detest. The thing which I detest…?
Can this be the same love that poets write about and romantic movies are made of? Can this be the same or have we both, without our knowing it, fallen victims to something else-a lot more disturbing? Something I detest?
I am now confused; It is beginning to dawn on me that the reason why all along I have not been able to “take things easy and enjoy myself” is because this is really about me.
I need to talk with Tanya and let her know what I am beginning to understand about us…about myself; I need to help her to begin to understand that maybe it is not me that she loves…I am beginning to understand that all this has to do with the way she sees herself and that for her to be able to get home…to Africa…I may not be the one whom she needs.
I will go to her tomorrow and I will talk with her before she tries to hurt herself again.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
The last days of Spring/8
A few hours later, I am sitting in my room and watching Ade. He is staring at a letter, which he just received from home and has just finished reading. He is not saying anything.
“Is everything okay?”
He raises his eyes and looks at me blankly for a few seconds. “She’s gone…”
And I know that he’s talking about his mother…she has lost the fight to live.
“Are you alright?”
He ignores my question and continues to stare at the letter and I recognize that he probably didn’t hear me. I have never been in this kind of situation before; I don’t know whether I should keep quiet and let him deal with his grief alone or whether is should console him-but he is not crying and that makes it even difficult. So I keep quiet.
“Why…God?” I hear the pain in his voice; it sounds like something breaking.
“Maybe she is in heaven right now…” I offer trying to console him. But he doesn’t seem to have heard me.
“Why…?” I hear him groan and I realize that it is best that I leave him alone to resolve his own questions and to grieve alone. Sometimes it is better that way.
I am leaving the room and have patted him on the back briefly to show my commiseration and I leave without saying anything; I don’t really know what to say.
I have gone to Ugo’s room and I meet him packing his bags.
“Ol’boy Ade just got a letter from home saying that his mum just died”
“Na wa! Wetin kill am?”
“She suffered a stroke several months ago and I don’t think she recovered”
“Poor guy…at least him go fit travel during the holidays and not miss any school work…anyway when you go travel?”
“On Sunday”
“We dey leave for Moscow tomorrow morning …we wan pass through Kharkov first”
“Are you going with Eddy?”
“Yes…”
They wanted to pass through Kharkov so that Ugo could help Eddy with some of his stuff as he didn’t want to come back to Rostov after the summer holidays. They planned on going to Nigeria to sell football boots and some antibiotics; apparently they had made quite a lot of fortune in the last few months and they now had a ready market for their goods.
“We’ll leave you and your babes in Rostov…”
“Have you seen Sveta today?”
“She’ll be coming later this evening…I fit leave Sveat for you as well”
“No thanks…Tanya’s problem is already too much for me…she been meet me and Adelaide as we dey waka down the street today and then hin come bolt like person wey dey craze…”
“Bolt go where?”
“I don’t know…”
“So wetin dat one mean?”
“I really don’t know, but I just hope say hin’ no go harm himself…”
“Why…?”
“She just dey behave like person wey get real issues and I just don’t know what to do?”
“And wetin Adelaide come talk?”
“I never talk with am since then”
“You and this your love nonsense! Why don’t you just take things easy and enjoy yourself?”
“I don’t know…”
I really don’t know. That’s the question I have been asking myself and I am wondering whether I should not try to disentangle myself from Adelaide before I get too involved to a point where I cannot turn back. I am just so confused; one moment I know that It feels as if I cannot live without her, while the next I feel so distressed by the thought of her.
Is this what love is about? Why can’t I take things easy and “enjoy myself” as Ugo asks?
“Anyway, you don here the latest with Barry?”
Ah, the man Barry; I heard that he had attacked Omar along the corridor and had continued to punch him until Omar who was carrying a sharp penknife used it on him in self-defense and stabbed him in the abdomen…
Barry had been acting even weirder in the last few days; he had almost attacked Volodya the other day calling him a KGB spy and saying that no matter what they did that they will not be able to plant anything on him. I think most people had realized that something is going on with him, but nobody has been bold enough to do anything about it. He had been literally stalking Omar in the last few days and had been saying that as long as people like Omar-who according to him are an embarrassment to the children of Kememu-walk about freely, then the black man will never know any respect. He says its people like Omar who the white man uses to divide the black man…
I think it’s because of Barry that Omar started to carry about the knife with him. And its lead to this…
“So what happened to Barry?”
“They say they think he is mad and that they’re sending him back to Zaire after they treat his wounds…”
“Poor Barry…I think he just started to muddle up a lot of things from his too much reading…”
“No. I think the guy has always been sick and should have been treated a long time ago”
“But a lot of the things he says make sense…”
“Like what?”
“There are a lot of books he’s asked us to read and I’ll look for them when I go to England”
“You think say you go get time look for book in England? E be like say you think say na holiday you dey go!”
In a way he is right. The purpose of my traveling was to go and look for some holiday jobs to raise the funds to start buying and selling things. So it wasn’t really a holiday in the real sense of the word since I would need to pay him back once I came back.
We were still talking when there was a knock on the door.
“It must be Sveta…if na she then you know say you go vamoose…”
“I know.”
The door opened and it was Sveta; she wasn’t looking happy when she saw me!
“Kasi, what have you don to my friend?” she shouted at me as she walked in.
“What did I do?"
“My friend almost killed herself and she’s at the CGB…”
CGB is the acronym in Russian for the Central state hospital but everybody just knows it as CGB.
“Is she okay…what did she do?”
“She took an overdose of some tablets but her grandmother found her throwing up and called the ambulance…”
“Is she okay?”
“They say she is going to be okay, but she wants to see you…”
“Is everything okay?”
He raises his eyes and looks at me blankly for a few seconds. “She’s gone…”
And I know that he’s talking about his mother…she has lost the fight to live.
“Are you alright?”
He ignores my question and continues to stare at the letter and I recognize that he probably didn’t hear me. I have never been in this kind of situation before; I don’t know whether I should keep quiet and let him deal with his grief alone or whether is should console him-but he is not crying and that makes it even difficult. So I keep quiet.
“Why…God?” I hear the pain in his voice; it sounds like something breaking.
“Maybe she is in heaven right now…” I offer trying to console him. But he doesn’t seem to have heard me.
“Why…?” I hear him groan and I realize that it is best that I leave him alone to resolve his own questions and to grieve alone. Sometimes it is better that way.
I am leaving the room and have patted him on the back briefly to show my commiseration and I leave without saying anything; I don’t really know what to say.
I have gone to Ugo’s room and I meet him packing his bags.
“Ol’boy Ade just got a letter from home saying that his mum just died”
“Na wa! Wetin kill am?”
“She suffered a stroke several months ago and I don’t think she recovered”
“Poor guy…at least him go fit travel during the holidays and not miss any school work…anyway when you go travel?”
“On Sunday”
“We dey leave for Moscow tomorrow morning …we wan pass through Kharkov first”
“Are you going with Eddy?”
“Yes…”
They wanted to pass through Kharkov so that Ugo could help Eddy with some of his stuff as he didn’t want to come back to Rostov after the summer holidays. They planned on going to Nigeria to sell football boots and some antibiotics; apparently they had made quite a lot of fortune in the last few months and they now had a ready market for their goods.
“We’ll leave you and your babes in Rostov…”
“Have you seen Sveta today?”
“She’ll be coming later this evening…I fit leave Sveat for you as well”
“No thanks…Tanya’s problem is already too much for me…she been meet me and Adelaide as we dey waka down the street today and then hin come bolt like person wey dey craze…”
“Bolt go where?”
“I don’t know…”
“So wetin dat one mean?”
“I really don’t know, but I just hope say hin’ no go harm himself…”
“Why…?”
“She just dey behave like person wey get real issues and I just don’t know what to do?”
“And wetin Adelaide come talk?”
“I never talk with am since then”
“You and this your love nonsense! Why don’t you just take things easy and enjoy yourself?”
“I don’t know…”
I really don’t know. That’s the question I have been asking myself and I am wondering whether I should not try to disentangle myself from Adelaide before I get too involved to a point where I cannot turn back. I am just so confused; one moment I know that It feels as if I cannot live without her, while the next I feel so distressed by the thought of her.
Is this what love is about? Why can’t I take things easy and “enjoy myself” as Ugo asks?
“Anyway, you don here the latest with Barry?”
Ah, the man Barry; I heard that he had attacked Omar along the corridor and had continued to punch him until Omar who was carrying a sharp penknife used it on him in self-defense and stabbed him in the abdomen…
Barry had been acting even weirder in the last few days; he had almost attacked Volodya the other day calling him a KGB spy and saying that no matter what they did that they will not be able to plant anything on him. I think most people had realized that something is going on with him, but nobody has been bold enough to do anything about it. He had been literally stalking Omar in the last few days and had been saying that as long as people like Omar-who according to him are an embarrassment to the children of Kememu-walk about freely, then the black man will never know any respect. He says its people like Omar who the white man uses to divide the black man…
I think it’s because of Barry that Omar started to carry about the knife with him. And its lead to this…
“So what happened to Barry?”
“They say they think he is mad and that they’re sending him back to Zaire after they treat his wounds…”
“Poor Barry…I think he just started to muddle up a lot of things from his too much reading…”
“No. I think the guy has always been sick and should have been treated a long time ago”
“But a lot of the things he says make sense…”
“Like what?”
“There are a lot of books he’s asked us to read and I’ll look for them when I go to England”
“You think say you go get time look for book in England? E be like say you think say na holiday you dey go!”
In a way he is right. The purpose of my traveling was to go and look for some holiday jobs to raise the funds to start buying and selling things. So it wasn’t really a holiday in the real sense of the word since I would need to pay him back once I came back.
We were still talking when there was a knock on the door.
“It must be Sveta…if na she then you know say you go vamoose…”
“I know.”
The door opened and it was Sveta; she wasn’t looking happy when she saw me!
“Kasi, what have you don to my friend?” she shouted at me as she walked in.
“What did I do?"
“My friend almost killed herself and she’s at the CGB…”
CGB is the acronym in Russian for the Central state hospital but everybody just knows it as CGB.
“Is she okay…what did she do?”
“She took an overdose of some tablets but her grandmother found her throwing up and called the ambulance…”
“Is she okay?”
“They say she is going to be okay, but she wants to see you…”
The last days of Spring/7
She is staring at us as we are coming up Puskins street towards the hostel. And after what seems like a brief moment of indecision, she looks away and has just scurried off through the crowd and into the hostel.
“Isn’t that your mulatka?”
The paramedics are carrying a stretcher out as I come up to the entrance of the hostel and I have to wait for them to pass before I can continue my chase. Where is she running to…what is she going to do?
I recognize the stocky frame of Barry on the stretcher, with a bandage tied round his trunk and muttering something about Kememu. What’s happened now and what is this Kememu nonsense he’s been saying of late? Behind the stretcher, a limping Omar is being escorted out by two police officers and it’s clear that both of them have had another fight and that Barry seems to have come out worse. I pass through the crowd and run into the hostel and head towards the stairs to the second floor.
I am not sure where exactly she has run to but I have decided to check Ugo’s and Eddy’s room seeing that her friends still came by there sometimes.
I have come up to room and knocking but no one is opening the door; I don’t know where else to start looking and I am thinking that I should go back to the ground floor and wait there since she has to come out of the hostel through that one exit. I am running down the stairs towards the ground floor and Adelaide is walking up…
“I just saw your…er…the mulatka” she says.
“Where did you see her?”
“She just ran out of the hostel…as if she was being chased by somebody…”
“In which direction…?”
“I don’t know I was already in the lobby…”
I ran out onto the street and look in both directions up Pushkin’s street but she is not there. And I don’t know in what direction to go…
She is gone and maybe this is the best thing to happen; may be it is best for us to end this way…I cannot give her what she wants and that is that. Yet…yet I am realizing that I do feel something for her and though I will be able to live without her I will want to see her again and to end properly with her.
Now I am free to go after Adelaide; I am even more convinced that it is our destiny to be together-why else would we both be left behind in Rostov, while all our friends are posted out? Why else would it be today of all days that Tanya chooses to meet us together, if not that fate has decided to intervene? We are powerless in the hands of destiny; we cannot change what is meant to be. Adelaide and I were meant to be-we have now only to confront our destiny.
“Isn’t that your mulatka?”
The paramedics are carrying a stretcher out as I come up to the entrance of the hostel and I have to wait for them to pass before I can continue my chase. Where is she running to…what is she going to do?
I recognize the stocky frame of Barry on the stretcher, with a bandage tied round his trunk and muttering something about Kememu. What’s happened now and what is this Kememu nonsense he’s been saying of late? Behind the stretcher, a limping Omar is being escorted out by two police officers and it’s clear that both of them have had another fight and that Barry seems to have come out worse. I pass through the crowd and run into the hostel and head towards the stairs to the second floor.
I am not sure where exactly she has run to but I have decided to check Ugo’s and Eddy’s room seeing that her friends still came by there sometimes.
I have come up to room and knocking but no one is opening the door; I don’t know where else to start looking and I am thinking that I should go back to the ground floor and wait there since she has to come out of the hostel through that one exit. I am running down the stairs towards the ground floor and Adelaide is walking up…
“I just saw your…er…the mulatka” she says.
“Where did you see her?”
“She just ran out of the hostel…as if she was being chased by somebody…”
“In which direction…?”
“I don’t know I was already in the lobby…”
I ran out onto the street and look in both directions up Pushkin’s street but she is not there. And I don’t know in what direction to go…
She is gone and maybe this is the best thing to happen; may be it is best for us to end this way…I cannot give her what she wants and that is that. Yet…yet I am realizing that I do feel something for her and though I will be able to live without her I will want to see her again and to end properly with her.
Now I am free to go after Adelaide; I am even more convinced that it is our destiny to be together-why else would we both be left behind in Rostov, while all our friends are posted out? Why else would it be today of all days that Tanya chooses to meet us together, if not that fate has decided to intervene? We are powerless in the hands of destiny; we cannot change what is meant to be. Adelaide and I were meant to be-we have now only to confront our destiny.
Monday, 26 November 2007
The last days of Spring/6
As we left the faculty building and walked on to Varashilovsky Street I found my self thinking briefly of Tanya; it is sympathy that I feel for her, I am sure of that…
It is already late afternoon as Adelaide and I stroll side by side into Pushkinskaya Boulevard. It’s very breezy here because of the trees and the cool summer breeze is now blowing on my face and caressing it gently; it’s so refreshing-the breeze-so invigorating.
Around us the birds are singing loudly to each other and you can see a few people walking their dogs. Some are just strolling hand along the tree-lined boulevard holding hands, while others-the more elderly ones-are seated on the several benches that can be found at regular intervals and watching the late afternoon pass slowly by.
I am feeling a bit uncomfortable because since we left the faculty building several minutes ago we have hardly said anything to each other; we are strolling on like two perfect strangers who are both lost in their own thoughts and who do not want to say what they are thinking; the spontaneity-the one that I always feel whenever I have been with Tanya in these last few months-is missing.
It feels different with Adelaide as if the reality and the fantasy are of two entirely different people. And I am finding it very difficult to be myself in this reality as I struggle to find the words, which would break the ice. Suddenly, a sense of not being man enough to bring out the woman in her hangs over me like a suffocating cloud. And I am wondering whether it is the lingering shadow of that shame, which had thwarted our budding relationship on that very cold night so many months ago that now covers me with such impotence…
What if underneath that lovely smile of hers she still resents me…?
“What are you thinking about?” she asked suddenly interrupting my thoughts.
“You…”
“What about me…?”
“I was wondering if…er…I was wondering if you still resent me….“
“Resent you for what?” She sounded a bit surprised and looked at me with slightly raised eyebrows.
“Because of…er…you know…the party”
“What happened?”
“Have you forgotten that day when we danced and I er…”
“I know but what actually happened?”
“It wasn’t supposed to…I…er…I was feeling…em…“
“You used me….that’s how I felt and that’s why I walked away”
“But I er…that was not my intention…I think it was the...er…you know...I have desired you from the very first day and…honestly I didn’t want it to happen that way”
“How was it supposed to happen?”
“I mean…only a fool would purposely ruin things with somebody….er…what I’m trying to say is that from the first time I set eyes on you at that Beryozka in Moscow, I…”
“Which beryozka in Moscow?”
“The one at that student’s hotel…that was where I first saw you sitting with Pedro and some friends. I had just come in with Ugo and I saw you there…on that first night”
“I don’t remember…”
“I do…I have never stopped thinking of you since…I er…I think it was the excitement of finally being close to you that evening…please forgive me ”
We were approaching the bust of Pushkin and two teenagers stood next to it. It looked like the young man was reciting a poem to his partner and as I saw them the image of Tanya flashed briefly across my mind. I remembered the day when I had stood at the same spot with her wishing that it was Adelaide that had been there with me….
“After I thought about it, I guessed it was not intentional. So It’s okay…”
“There’s the bust of Pushkin…when I came across his poem I knew that it was just right that I send it to you…those words about the wondrous moment when he beheld a glimpse of perfect womanhood…those words feel just right when I think of you…“.
As we walked past Pushkin’s bust she glanced at it momentarily and a slight frown creased her forehead. “I am not really into poems, but I like the one that you gave to me on that day…I told you so at the party”
“Yes…I still feel the same way…“She didn’t say anything.
We have come to the end of boulevard and have just come out onto Pushkin’s street; I notice that a police car is parked outside of our hostel, while just in front of it is parked an ambulance.
It looks like they’re trying to carry somebody out on a stretcher and the crowd of students standing at the door are making way for the stretcher.
“I wonder what’s happened now!” she said.
I hope it’s not Barry again…I am thinking as we walk up to the entrance of the hostel. And at that moment i notice that one of the people standing in the crowd and who has just turned towards us is Tanya…
It is already late afternoon as Adelaide and I stroll side by side into Pushkinskaya Boulevard. It’s very breezy here because of the trees and the cool summer breeze is now blowing on my face and caressing it gently; it’s so refreshing-the breeze-so invigorating.
Around us the birds are singing loudly to each other and you can see a few people walking their dogs. Some are just strolling hand along the tree-lined boulevard holding hands, while others-the more elderly ones-are seated on the several benches that can be found at regular intervals and watching the late afternoon pass slowly by.
I am feeling a bit uncomfortable because since we left the faculty building several minutes ago we have hardly said anything to each other; we are strolling on like two perfect strangers who are both lost in their own thoughts and who do not want to say what they are thinking; the spontaneity-the one that I always feel whenever I have been with Tanya in these last few months-is missing.
It feels different with Adelaide as if the reality and the fantasy are of two entirely different people. And I am finding it very difficult to be myself in this reality as I struggle to find the words, which would break the ice. Suddenly, a sense of not being man enough to bring out the woman in her hangs over me like a suffocating cloud. And I am wondering whether it is the lingering shadow of that shame, which had thwarted our budding relationship on that very cold night so many months ago that now covers me with such impotence…
What if underneath that lovely smile of hers she still resents me…?
“What are you thinking about?” she asked suddenly interrupting my thoughts.
“You…”
“What about me…?”
“I was wondering if…er…I was wondering if you still resent me….“
“Resent you for what?” She sounded a bit surprised and looked at me with slightly raised eyebrows.
“Because of…er…you know…the party”
“What happened?”
“Have you forgotten that day when we danced and I er…”
“I know but what actually happened?”
“It wasn’t supposed to…I…er…I was feeling…em…“
“You used me….that’s how I felt and that’s why I walked away”
“But I er…that was not my intention…I think it was the...er…you know...I have desired you from the very first day and…honestly I didn’t want it to happen that way”
“How was it supposed to happen?”
“I mean…only a fool would purposely ruin things with somebody….er…what I’m trying to say is that from the first time I set eyes on you at that Beryozka in Moscow, I…”
“Which beryozka in Moscow?”
“The one at that student’s hotel…that was where I first saw you sitting with Pedro and some friends. I had just come in with Ugo and I saw you there…on that first night”
“I don’t remember…”
“I do…I have never stopped thinking of you since…I er…I think it was the excitement of finally being close to you that evening…please forgive me ”
We were approaching the bust of Pushkin and two teenagers stood next to it. It looked like the young man was reciting a poem to his partner and as I saw them the image of Tanya flashed briefly across my mind. I remembered the day when I had stood at the same spot with her wishing that it was Adelaide that had been there with me….
“After I thought about it, I guessed it was not intentional. So It’s okay…”
“There’s the bust of Pushkin…when I came across his poem I knew that it was just right that I send it to you…those words about the wondrous moment when he beheld a glimpse of perfect womanhood…those words feel just right when I think of you…“.
As we walked past Pushkin’s bust she glanced at it momentarily and a slight frown creased her forehead. “I am not really into poems, but I like the one that you gave to me on that day…I told you so at the party”
“Yes…I still feel the same way…“She didn’t say anything.
We have come to the end of boulevard and have just come out onto Pushkin’s street; I notice that a police car is parked outside of our hostel, while just in front of it is parked an ambulance.
It looks like they’re trying to carry somebody out on a stretcher and the crowd of students standing at the door are making way for the stretcher.
“I wonder what’s happened now!” she said.
I hope it’s not Barry again…I am thinking as we walk up to the entrance of the hostel. And at that moment i notice that one of the people standing in the crowd and who has just turned towards us is Tanya…
The last days of Spring/5
I have been very busy over the last few days with my end of course exams and though I have thought of Tanya and the incident that happened last Sunday I am not that worried she has not visited as she normally does every other day. She is aware of my busy schedule this week and originally we had planned that we wouldn’t meet until Friday evening or Saturday morning.
It is Thursday morning and I need to go to the faculty to clarify which town I have been posted to after that I’ll just come home and rest.
Ugo had promised to raise me the ticket money for me to go and work in England for the long summer holidays. My application to the Gorodsky Soviet for the exit visa has been approved; the exit visa is an essential travel document for all residents of the USSR, which you need to show to the boarder controls whenever you are travelling out of the country-even if you are travelling to your own country. If you are travelling to a third country, you need the exit visa to show to the foreign missions before they start to consider your application for an entry visa into their country.
I am going to pick up my exit visa tomorrow by which time I will also know which town I have been posted for life rest of my education in this country. I have chosen Leningrad as my first choice and I may be posted there since we have been told that they will give priority according to our performance in the just concluded exams; I excelled in all the subjects, so I should get my first choice.
I think it will be good for me to start all over again; I think I need to be separated from Tanya and even from Adelaide; perhaps If I am sent far away to Leningrad I will be able to forget her. It will be a cruel joke of fate if we both end up in the same city again.
I don’t know how Tanya will take it, but I think what has happened on Saturday will make it easier for her to accept my going way; she too needs a break from me to allow her resolve her issues. Because I am sure that she will be able to get over me-she has to.
I have planned to travel to Moscow on Sunday evening so that I can sort out the transit visas within the week and hopefully leave for the United Kingdom by the end of next week. Tanya should be coming tomorrow or on Saturday…she has to start getting over me.
I have entered the faculty building and just joined a queue of other students who have been standing in the hallway just outside the deans’ office on the ground floor.
We want to petition the dean to reconsider our postings as we have just found out about the towns, which we have been posted to.I have just found out that I have been retained in Rostov even though I hadn’t included Rostov in my list and I was able to excel in all of the subjects! I am now feeling as if I have been shafted by the dean…
The door of the deans’ office has just opened and the student who is coming out is Adelaide. She has turned and started to come towards me and I can see that she is not in the least happy.
“Priviet…”I greet her, hoping that fate would once again keep us together"...where have you been posted to…?”
“They have kept me in Rostov and I didn’t even include it in my list of towns!”
“Me too…and…”
“I don’t understand them...after all they told us! Now the dean is saying that the spaces in Leningrad, Moscow and Kharkov are all filled up…“
“Filled up by whom?”“I don’t know…it looks like the only towns left are Krasnodar and Varonedj and she‘s asked me to go and think about it…but that we should remember that the medical school here is one of the best…"
“I heard that as well but Rostov itself is hopeless…and your friend?”
“Which one?”
“You know…er…is it Pedro?”
“He’s been posted to Varonedj…”
“So that makes it easy for you then…I mean…you don’t have a problem then since there‘s still space in there…”She glared at me.” I told her that I don’t want to go to either Krasnodar or Varonedj…I wanted Leningrad”
“Who’s next?!” the person standing behind me is asking and I notice that it’s my turn to go in as the line’s now moving very quickly.
“I won’t be long…can you wait for me so that we can walk home together?…the weather is really nice”
“I’m going to the canteen…you can check me there”I didn’t spend up to five minutes in the deans office since I was no longer in the protesting mood. I had just gone in, expressed my dissatisfaction to her unsatisfactorily and then I left her office in a haste to see if she was still at the canteen on the ground floor…She was.
I met her sitting there and eating some snacks; she and was having some Pirozhki-the traditional Russian small stuffed buns-and had a half full glass of the creamy Smetana on her table as I walked in and joined her.
“Do you care for some?”
“No thanks”
“How did it go with the dean?”
“Nothing’s changed…I am stuck in Rostov…with you”
Her expression didn’t change when I said that. In stead she raised her glass of smetana to her lips and drank from it and it looked as if she was staring through me…
“It’s not that bad…is it?” I asked.“I don’t like Rostov. There are not a lot people from my country here and there’s nothing much to do…”
“But you still accepted it ahead of Varonedj even though…”
“Oh…don’t bring up Pedro again!”
“Why…are you guys not…?”
“Can we not talk about him…how‘s your little girl?!”
“I don’t have any little girl…”
“Yes you do! The pretty mulatka that I see you with all the time…”
“You mean Tanya?…I…er…”
“She is your girlfriend isn’t she?”
“Her dad was from Nigeria but she’s never met him and I…er…”
“You are helping her find her dad…that‘s classic. You men never seize to amaze me!…can we go now?”
It is Thursday morning and I need to go to the faculty to clarify which town I have been posted to after that I’ll just come home and rest.
Ugo had promised to raise me the ticket money for me to go and work in England for the long summer holidays. My application to the Gorodsky Soviet for the exit visa has been approved; the exit visa is an essential travel document for all residents of the USSR, which you need to show to the boarder controls whenever you are travelling out of the country-even if you are travelling to your own country. If you are travelling to a third country, you need the exit visa to show to the foreign missions before they start to consider your application for an entry visa into their country.
I am going to pick up my exit visa tomorrow by which time I will also know which town I have been posted for life rest of my education in this country. I have chosen Leningrad as my first choice and I may be posted there since we have been told that they will give priority according to our performance in the just concluded exams; I excelled in all the subjects, so I should get my first choice.
I think it will be good for me to start all over again; I think I need to be separated from Tanya and even from Adelaide; perhaps If I am sent far away to Leningrad I will be able to forget her. It will be a cruel joke of fate if we both end up in the same city again.
I don’t know how Tanya will take it, but I think what has happened on Saturday will make it easier for her to accept my going way; she too needs a break from me to allow her resolve her issues. Because I am sure that she will be able to get over me-she has to.
I have planned to travel to Moscow on Sunday evening so that I can sort out the transit visas within the week and hopefully leave for the United Kingdom by the end of next week. Tanya should be coming tomorrow or on Saturday…she has to start getting over me.
I have entered the faculty building and just joined a queue of other students who have been standing in the hallway just outside the deans’ office on the ground floor.
We want to petition the dean to reconsider our postings as we have just found out about the towns, which we have been posted to.I have just found out that I have been retained in Rostov even though I hadn’t included Rostov in my list and I was able to excel in all of the subjects! I am now feeling as if I have been shafted by the dean…
The door of the deans’ office has just opened and the student who is coming out is Adelaide. She has turned and started to come towards me and I can see that she is not in the least happy.
“Priviet…”I greet her, hoping that fate would once again keep us together"...where have you been posted to…?”
“They have kept me in Rostov and I didn’t even include it in my list of towns!”
“Me too…and…”
“I don’t understand them...after all they told us! Now the dean is saying that the spaces in Leningrad, Moscow and Kharkov are all filled up…“
“Filled up by whom?”“I don’t know…it looks like the only towns left are Krasnodar and Varonedj and she‘s asked me to go and think about it…but that we should remember that the medical school here is one of the best…"
“I heard that as well but Rostov itself is hopeless…and your friend?”
“Which one?”
“You know…er…is it Pedro?”
“He’s been posted to Varonedj…”
“So that makes it easy for you then…I mean…you don’t have a problem then since there‘s still space in there…”She glared at me.” I told her that I don’t want to go to either Krasnodar or Varonedj…I wanted Leningrad”
“Who’s next?!” the person standing behind me is asking and I notice that it’s my turn to go in as the line’s now moving very quickly.
“I won’t be long…can you wait for me so that we can walk home together?…the weather is really nice”
“I’m going to the canteen…you can check me there”I didn’t spend up to five minutes in the deans office since I was no longer in the protesting mood. I had just gone in, expressed my dissatisfaction to her unsatisfactorily and then I left her office in a haste to see if she was still at the canteen on the ground floor…She was.
I met her sitting there and eating some snacks; she and was having some Pirozhki-the traditional Russian small stuffed buns-and had a half full glass of the creamy Smetana on her table as I walked in and joined her.
“Do you care for some?”
“No thanks”
“How did it go with the dean?”
“Nothing’s changed…I am stuck in Rostov…with you”
Her expression didn’t change when I said that. In stead she raised her glass of smetana to her lips and drank from it and it looked as if she was staring through me…
“It’s not that bad…is it?” I asked.“I don’t like Rostov. There are not a lot people from my country here and there’s nothing much to do…”
“But you still accepted it ahead of Varonedj even though…”
“Oh…don’t bring up Pedro again!”
“Why…are you guys not…?”
“Can we not talk about him…how‘s your little girl?!”
“I don’t have any little girl…”
“Yes you do! The pretty mulatka that I see you with all the time…”
“You mean Tanya?…I…er…”
“She is your girlfriend isn’t she?”
“Her dad was from Nigeria but she’s never met him and I…er…”
“You are helping her find her dad…that‘s classic. You men never seize to amaze me!…can we go now?”
Sunday, 25 November 2007
The last days of Spring/4
Tanya has never known a man in her life and she says that she is giving me her virginity because I am the man of her dreams. So I have decided to treat her right-I will treat her like the woman she deserves to be.
I have prepared a lovely dish from a recipe one of my friends who comes Lesotho has given me. He says it’s a South African recipe and he gave me the herbs, which he bought in South Africa during the winter holidays; he says that the herbs “bring out the flavour in food”…and that they are especially good for “meat-based sauces.”
He is right the food has come out very nice and I have had to open the windows so that aroma, which was so thick in the room, could dissipate a bit and I have sprayed the room several times with an air freshener, which I recently bought from the grocery store and which supposed to spread the smell of spring.
I have placed the bouquet of roses on the table and the card on which I have written the little poem is leaning on to the side of bottle of sweat champagne. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a bucket of ice anywhere, but the whole atmosphere has come out as romantic as is possible.
Tanya should be here any minute from now. I have slotted in a cassette, which I borrowed from one of my friends and which has a collection of popular love songs; I want to set it at one of the tracks that I think is most appropriate for today. I am fast forwarding the tape and then I find what I am looking for-I will start to play it once she comes in.
I check my self in the mirror and I am satisfied with what I see; Ugo gave me a sharp haircut earlier on today and I am actually beginning to look handsome-that gaunt look that I had at the time when I left Nigeria is now gone; my cheeks look a lot fuller.
There’s the knock on the door.
I open the door and she is standing there…smiling and Al is not with her. Tanya is really a beautiful woman and I must learn to love her…I am thinking as i look at her.
“Your beauty takes my breath away…” I am saying and I kiss her lightly on the lips. She smiles and then lowers her eyes.
She is so shy…
“Thank you…” she says as I offer her my hand and lead her into the room.
“Mmm…I like the smell of the food you cooked…”
“I had thought that the smell would have all disappeared by the time you come… I have had to open the windows and spray an air freshener about three times already…”
“But I like it…what is it that you cooked?”
“It’s chicken…I prepared it with some South African herbs and I have cooked some fried rice…there’s ice cream for desert as well…”
“Mmm…I love ice cream…what flavour?”
“Vanilla…that’s the only thing I could find”
“It’s okay”
“I am sure that the food will taste even better than it smells” I say as I show her to the chair and then go to the tape recorder to press the play button. The track I want has started to play; tonight I celebrate my love for you, it seems the natural thing to do…
“Are you ready to eat?”
“Yes…what this card on the table?”
“Its for you…you can have a look”She picks up the card and opens it to read while I try to dish out the food. As I am busy dishing it out I hear a sniffling sound behind me so I turn around to see her trying to hold back tears…she is not succeeding because I can see two teardrops trailing down her cheeks.
“Are they really for me?”
“Yes”
“Thank you…it‘s so beautiful”We have eaten the food and eaten the ice cream. We are now sipping the sweat champagne and listening to the love songs that are playing in the background.
“Let’s dance…” she says and we get up to dance. It is just the two of us here…alone.
And the evening is going so well; I am really enjoying Tanya’s presence and I am so very conscious of where this evening is heading to. I am not going to fight with my desires any more-she wants me and I want her; it is as simple as that.
She is now raising her face for a kiss and we start to kiss passionately. She is pressing her body on mine and I notice that her breathing is become more and more laboured.
The time has come…
And I begin to her slowly; I don‘t want to break the rhythm of the music playing, which is becoming a soundtrack to our unfolding love affair. She has decided to come to my aid and is in a hurry to free herself of her clothes.
She has such a beautiful body…
I have also started to undress myself as she stands naked in front of me, tugging at my shirt…wanting me. But something is not quite right-something is holding me back and I find myself now struggling with an embarrassing limpness, as a certain nagging feeling surfaces and begins to now hang over me, dampening my passion and it suddenly feels as if I am being watched…as if something is speaking to me-telling me-that it is not right; what I am doing is not right.
I cannot break this young girl’s heart…
I know that I am not free to do this to her; I know that I will still run to Adelaide if she were to as much as smile at me…
“What is wrong?” Tanya is asking.
“I am not yet ready, Tanya…I don’t want to hurt you”
“But…”
“It doesn’t feel right…not yet”
“But you said that you love me…don’t you love me?”
The words that I want to say have stuck in my throat; I can not continue to lead this innocent girl on; I might be a lost soul, but I am not yet beyond redemption.
“Kasi….”
She is crying…
And I don’t know what to say to her. What can I say that will make her understand that it is not right.
“Do you love me…Kasi?”
“I…”“You don’t have to say anything…” she says and starts to put on her clothes slowly, reluctantly…like one who is being drained of life.
“It’s not as you think Tanya, I …”
“You can’t even tell me that you love me anymore”
“Tanya I don’t want to hurt you…you have already been hurt so much in your life”
“But…you are hurting me Kasi…you…”
“Please, Tanya…I don’t want to hurt you…I..”
“But you once said that you love me…”
“Just give me the chance to resolve my feelings for you, Tanya…what you want to give me is a very significant part of your life and I…”
“But I have told you that I love you with all my heart….I want to love you with my body as well…”
She has finished putting on her clothes now and has moved towards the door. The tears are still falling from her eyes.
“Kasi, do you love me…please tell me that you love me?”
The look in her eyes was too heartbreaking for me. It was a look of someone who feels rejected; she looked at me and it was as if she was pleading for something but I do not have what she wants.
I cannot give her what she wants...
She had then looked a way with a rivulet of tears now streaming down her face as she opened the door and walked away.
I could not run after her because I was still naked…
I have prepared a lovely dish from a recipe one of my friends who comes Lesotho has given me. He says it’s a South African recipe and he gave me the herbs, which he bought in South Africa during the winter holidays; he says that the herbs “bring out the flavour in food”…and that they are especially good for “meat-based sauces.”
He is right the food has come out very nice and I have had to open the windows so that aroma, which was so thick in the room, could dissipate a bit and I have sprayed the room several times with an air freshener, which I recently bought from the grocery store and which supposed to spread the smell of spring.
I have placed the bouquet of roses on the table and the card on which I have written the little poem is leaning on to the side of bottle of sweat champagne. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a bucket of ice anywhere, but the whole atmosphere has come out as romantic as is possible.
Tanya should be here any minute from now. I have slotted in a cassette, which I borrowed from one of my friends and which has a collection of popular love songs; I want to set it at one of the tracks that I think is most appropriate for today. I am fast forwarding the tape and then I find what I am looking for-I will start to play it once she comes in.
I check my self in the mirror and I am satisfied with what I see; Ugo gave me a sharp haircut earlier on today and I am actually beginning to look handsome-that gaunt look that I had at the time when I left Nigeria is now gone; my cheeks look a lot fuller.
There’s the knock on the door.
I open the door and she is standing there…smiling and Al is not with her. Tanya is really a beautiful woman and I must learn to love her…I am thinking as i look at her.
“Your beauty takes my breath away…” I am saying and I kiss her lightly on the lips. She smiles and then lowers her eyes.
She is so shy…
“Thank you…” she says as I offer her my hand and lead her into the room.
“Mmm…I like the smell of the food you cooked…”
“I had thought that the smell would have all disappeared by the time you come… I have had to open the windows and spray an air freshener about three times already…”
“But I like it…what is it that you cooked?”
“It’s chicken…I prepared it with some South African herbs and I have cooked some fried rice…there’s ice cream for desert as well…”
“Mmm…I love ice cream…what flavour?”
“Vanilla…that’s the only thing I could find”
“It’s okay”
“I am sure that the food will taste even better than it smells” I say as I show her to the chair and then go to the tape recorder to press the play button. The track I want has started to play; tonight I celebrate my love for you, it seems the natural thing to do…
“Are you ready to eat?”
“Yes…what this card on the table?”
“Its for you…you can have a look”She picks up the card and opens it to read while I try to dish out the food. As I am busy dishing it out I hear a sniffling sound behind me so I turn around to see her trying to hold back tears…she is not succeeding because I can see two teardrops trailing down her cheeks.
“Are they really for me?”
“Yes”
“Thank you…it‘s so beautiful”We have eaten the food and eaten the ice cream. We are now sipping the sweat champagne and listening to the love songs that are playing in the background.
“Let’s dance…” she says and we get up to dance. It is just the two of us here…alone.
And the evening is going so well; I am really enjoying Tanya’s presence and I am so very conscious of where this evening is heading to. I am not going to fight with my desires any more-she wants me and I want her; it is as simple as that.
She is now raising her face for a kiss and we start to kiss passionately. She is pressing her body on mine and I notice that her breathing is become more and more laboured.
The time has come…
And I begin to her slowly; I don‘t want to break the rhythm of the music playing, which is becoming a soundtrack to our unfolding love affair. She has decided to come to my aid and is in a hurry to free herself of her clothes.
She has such a beautiful body…
I have also started to undress myself as she stands naked in front of me, tugging at my shirt…wanting me. But something is not quite right-something is holding me back and I find myself now struggling with an embarrassing limpness, as a certain nagging feeling surfaces and begins to now hang over me, dampening my passion and it suddenly feels as if I am being watched…as if something is speaking to me-telling me-that it is not right; what I am doing is not right.
I cannot break this young girl’s heart…
I know that I am not free to do this to her; I know that I will still run to Adelaide if she were to as much as smile at me…
“What is wrong?” Tanya is asking.
“I am not yet ready, Tanya…I don’t want to hurt you”
“But…”
“It doesn’t feel right…not yet”
“But you said that you love me…don’t you love me?”
The words that I want to say have stuck in my throat; I can not continue to lead this innocent girl on; I might be a lost soul, but I am not yet beyond redemption.
“Kasi….”
She is crying…
And I don’t know what to say to her. What can I say that will make her understand that it is not right.
“Do you love me…Kasi?”
“I…”“You don’t have to say anything…” she says and starts to put on her clothes slowly, reluctantly…like one who is being drained of life.
“It’s not as you think Tanya, I …”
“You can’t even tell me that you love me anymore”
“Tanya I don’t want to hurt you…you have already been hurt so much in your life”
“But…you are hurting me Kasi…you…”
“Please, Tanya…I don’t want to hurt you…I..”
“But you once said that you love me…”
“Just give me the chance to resolve my feelings for you, Tanya…what you want to give me is a very significant part of your life and I…”
“But I have told you that I love you with all my heart….I want to love you with my body as well…”
She has finished putting on her clothes now and has moved towards the door. The tears are still falling from her eyes.
“Kasi, do you love me…please tell me that you love me?”
The look in her eyes was too heartbreaking for me. It was a look of someone who feels rejected; she looked at me and it was as if she was pleading for something but I do not have what she wants.
I cannot give her what she wants...
She had then looked a way with a rivulet of tears now streaming down her face as she opened the door and walked away.
I could not run after her because I was still naked…
The last days of Spring/3
I want to love Tanya; I want to be able to feel free with her and not be held back by this nagging feeling of my leading her along a path, which leads to nowhere...
And after we kissed by that fountain at the bottom avenue of Gorky Park I have started to see her not just a lovely girl with a sad narrative trailing her but as a beautiful woman. She has aroused in me a sexual fantasy that throbs in me when I start thinking of her-a sexual fantasy that is shed of the guilt that had clouded my thoughts of Adelaide after we crossed that barrier of innocence so many months ago.
I begin to feel that it is Tanya who is bringing out the man in me. It is she with whom I have learnt to be myself and the spontaneity that accompanies our engagements fills me with an increasing level of confidence and yet…yet in wanting her I am realising that I am not quite free to have her; It is as if I am bonded to Adelaide by some invisible-yet enduring chain-that forbids me to love someone else…
I will be meeting with Tanya today and we will be alone since Ade has gone somewhere in the Northern part of Rostov and he will not be back until later this evening. He has been meeting with a group of Russian Orthodox Christians who meet regularly to share the gospel and to pray in one of their members homes since there are no churches in Rostov-Religion has been banned by the state-so those who meet, usually meet secretly.
This is going to be the first time when I will have my room to my self since that kiss that happened last week, which seems to have changed the texture of the relationship between Tanya and myself; it feels as if we are no longer innocent and I can no longer stop my self from giving in to her sensual desire…
She will be here soon and I have bought her a bouquet of roses and I have translated some lovely words-I don’t know where I first saw them-into Russian;
Under the burning sun of Africa’s harmattan,
I have learnt about heat;
In the white nights of Russians winter,
I learn about cold;
But in the warm embrace of your passionate kiss,
I am learning about love…
I feel that I should begin to treat her like a woman-I should begin to act like someone in love and perhaps…perhaps, love will follow my actions and will blossom in my heart, breaking the chains that bind me…I want to love her and today-after we have sipped the champagne that I have bought and eaten the chocolates, which they say acts as an aphrodisiac-I will make love to her and perhaps then the chain will be broken…
And after we kissed by that fountain at the bottom avenue of Gorky Park I have started to see her not just a lovely girl with a sad narrative trailing her but as a beautiful woman. She has aroused in me a sexual fantasy that throbs in me when I start thinking of her-a sexual fantasy that is shed of the guilt that had clouded my thoughts of Adelaide after we crossed that barrier of innocence so many months ago.
I begin to feel that it is Tanya who is bringing out the man in me. It is she with whom I have learnt to be myself and the spontaneity that accompanies our engagements fills me with an increasing level of confidence and yet…yet in wanting her I am realising that I am not quite free to have her; It is as if I am bonded to Adelaide by some invisible-yet enduring chain-that forbids me to love someone else…
I will be meeting with Tanya today and we will be alone since Ade has gone somewhere in the Northern part of Rostov and he will not be back until later this evening. He has been meeting with a group of Russian Orthodox Christians who meet regularly to share the gospel and to pray in one of their members homes since there are no churches in Rostov-Religion has been banned by the state-so those who meet, usually meet secretly.
This is going to be the first time when I will have my room to my self since that kiss that happened last week, which seems to have changed the texture of the relationship between Tanya and myself; it feels as if we are no longer innocent and I can no longer stop my self from giving in to her sensual desire…
She will be here soon and I have bought her a bouquet of roses and I have translated some lovely words-I don’t know where I first saw them-into Russian;
Under the burning sun of Africa’s harmattan,
I have learnt about heat;
In the white nights of Russians winter,
I learn about cold;
But in the warm embrace of your passionate kiss,
I am learning about love…
I feel that I should begin to treat her like a woman-I should begin to act like someone in love and perhaps…perhaps, love will follow my actions and will blossom in my heart, breaking the chains that bind me…I want to love her and today-after we have sipped the champagne that I have bought and eaten the chocolates, which they say acts as an aphrodisiac-I will make love to her and perhaps then the chain will be broken…
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